


amor ille est destructivus

by kiikarit



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-14 18:11:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3420587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiikarit/pseuds/kiikarit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>what it means to be loved by Tabris</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. transit umbra, lux permanet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (shadow passes, light remains)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39)

when you ears fill with Lilith’s blood and you shed Lilin, you hear him. it starts out as a sea of muddled words in hebrew and latin but you hear him. this is like lucid dreaming, you think. you will reach out and touch him (Tabris, Kaworu, my love) if you open your eyes.

but who is he?

who is Tabris.

His eyes surround you. He knows all. hallelujah, he sings, hallelujah. he prays for redemption and you laugh because you are the sinful one.

(how could he be? he is cursèd with red eyes–adam’s sin–but He has baptised him and his skin is pure, too pure)

i love you, ikari shinji. Tabris says. the way Christ loves his Father, the way Mother loved Joseph. i will destroy mankind to bring you happiness.

no, you say. do not destroy Lilin. (for she must be cleansed of her sins, the red seas a sign from Him for Lilin to pay heed, His angels are there to forewarn her of her imminent destruction)

who is He? you ask but Tabris does not reply. who are You, child of Adam?

i love you ikari shinji, we will meet again soon.

i love you too, Tabris, but how do you know me?

you can't see but you know that he is smiling. i was made to protect you (and i will live infinite lives and repeat this loop until you are happy)

come back with me, you plead, come back with me, i am so tired of being alone. but Tabris says sorry and strokes your cheek.

(why is he sorry? it is not his fault, it is the fall of Lilin, loneliness rots inside of her while her skin remains intact)

they will rescue you soon, the angel says. do not forget me, ikari shinji.

i will never forget you, you say. never, not even

not even what?

not even when the world ends.

amen, the angel chants. amen, amen, amen. do not forget me ikari shinji, for i will love you when He condemns you in the Day of Judgement.

Tabris? what are you?

i love you ikari shinji, that is all that matters.

when you return to Lilin, you cry out Tabris but you do not remember who he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does the poet write what he imagines.  
> does he write what he perceives.


	2. non omnis moriar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (not all of me will die)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. (Revelation 21:4)

you find him humming beethoven, sitting atop the carcass of the statue of an angel.

i know you, you think, your eyes are Adam's sin. he smiles when he notices you.

(music is Lilin's greatest accomplishment, do you not agree, ikari shinji?

how do you know my name?

everyone knows who you are)

his name is Nagisa Kaworu and he is one of the chosen.

the Fifth Child, child of the seashore, born on the day of the Second Impact.

prodigious, his synchronisation test values are inhuman, you hear them say

(you don't want to go home, you don't want to go home, you don't want to go home)

he looks beautiful in the water, and when he holds your hand and tells you he loves you

you begin to realise that he is home. (he picks you apart before that, he shows you the fault in your thoughts, tells you that you cannot ever have the pleasure of destroying loneliness, but you can forget, and that

is why you live)

when you lie on the floor next to his bed, he decides that he was born to meet you, and you think that you have found your happiness.

* * *

this is wrong, this is all wrong, you think. he is not an Angel, he is Kaworu, he told me he loved me, you're lying, you're all lying.

(but it's the truth, you know it's the truth because his eyes are Adam's sin)

you promised me, you told me you love me, so why are you doing this?

i am the child of Adam, he says and shows you the light of his soul when unit-01's knife tries to shut him up.

(you do not understand, you do not want to understand, why did he betray you, why does his i love you keep echoing in your head)

wait for me, Kaworu, wait for me, but he does not and opens Heaven's Door.

you finally grasp him and unit-01 tries to break your skull open. he thanks you but you do not understand.

why, why did you do this?

because it is my destiny to live (but all of Lilin shall die in return) but i would rather die here. Death is the only absolute freedom.

i don't understand. i don't understand, Kaworu.

this is my will, Destroy me now or you shall be destroyed. (you are not the one that should die because you need the future.

thank you, my life was meaningful because of you)

you can hear him praying, chanting hallelujah as his baptised soul calls for Mother's tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how does an artist create an abstract from something so solid and _real_?


	3. astra inclinant, sed non obligant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the stars guide us, not oblige us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. (Revelation 21:1)

they’d told you that Fourteen years have passed. and yet asuka does not age. she told you it’s the Curse. the price that has to be paid for being Chosen. (children of Lilith cannot gain anything without first giving something in return)

for your sins, the give you an albatross around your neck.

rei takes you home. she takes you back to where you were always meant to be. but home

but home is in ruins

he was playing the piano when you first saw him.

this. this is what a d.s. al coda feels like, you think. but you hadn’t seen him before, why does he tug at your heartstrings.

home is abandoned. everything is scattered, and rei. rei is just a wall, a mannequin waiting for orders. so you bring her books. you bring her Words because that’s what she loved to do, to consume.

you see him again at the Womb. he tells you to start playing the piano, because trying new things is an important part of living (but were you even alive before you met him.)

he tells you his name is Kaworu, and his eyes are Adam’s sin.

he teaches you, and nurtures you, and loves you.

and you love him in return.

you watch the stars, a comfort in this world, because it’s the only thing that’s remained constant (but it does not, it does not. stars swallow themselves whole, new stars are birthed, old stars are consumed, and the universe is ever expanding)

he tells you that he was really born to meet you. and you fall in love even more.

you wanted to know what happened to this world, and he brings you to see. luna is bleeding, the ground wants to consume, and there is no town left. he tells you that you are the sinner, but that no sin is beyond forgiveness.

kaworu now bears your sin around his neck, but says the world can be restored if the Spears can be retrieved.

but asuka tries to stop you, she tries and tries and kaworu tells you something is amiss, that Cassius is missing, but he told you that the spears can fix the world.

he Falls

he Falls as the thirteenth angel, and Eva-13 doesn’t listen.

but she Ascends, with halos and wings and she looks like Seraph,

and the black moon is pulled out.

Eva-13 impales herself. She impales herself with Longinus.

‘don’t look at me like that, someday, we’ll meet again’ kaworu shatters into a tiny hundred million shards (like the stars when they are Unbirthèd) and a waterfall of blood.

coda

coda

coda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how does she remain sinless to a fault, and yet i, her lover, bear every sign of a sinner?


End file.
